Fascinating article, thank you for your wisdom! The separatio process reminds me of the process of differentiating from one’s family of origin. According to family systems theory, a low level of differentiation (or fusion) with one’s family of origin will cause problems in other relationships (particularly with our romantic partners). It’s important to engage in this deep work of “differentiation of self” in order to sustain healthier relationships.
How does family systems theory suggest one go through the process of differentiation? I'm curious how it contrasts or overlaps with that of Jungian theory.
Family systems differentiation focuses on interpersonal relationships within an individual’s family of origin, and it’s the basis of family therapy. The ultimate goal of differentiation of self is to gain emotional autonomy while still fostering connection within the family.
Self awareness is a huge piece in achieving this… taking a step back and observing our familial patterns and the role that we play in our families of origin. If we are fused with our families, we may feel responsible for their emotions, need their approval to feel secure, or carry multigenerational anxiety. This level of fusion often impacts our other non-familial relationships.
I’m less familiar with Jung’s theory (but learning 😊) but my understanding is that Jung’s individuation process is an intrapersonal focus. I could see these going hand in hand, though!
Yes, individuation is an inner process, but one that also challenges us to consider how we participate in the world. Being able to be grounded within oneself in turn makes us more conscious of relationships, how we show up, interact, etc. But the focus is definitely on building a dialectic between conscious and the unconscious to grow the personality first and foremost.
That makes so much sense! I could definitely see them overlapping then — like perceiving the same problem from different angles. I'm very interested in Jungian theory and excited to keep diving in more with The Artemisian!
I'm very interested in dream work and how to work with one's shadow. I also love the concept of archetypes. I am particularly interested in learning them in a way that feels applicable to the day to day. I'm studying to become a psychotherapist and very interested in using depth psychology in my future practice :)
Thank you for such an in depth insight into the realm of relationship and alchemy! I really see the Two of Cups and The Queen of Swords as symbolic representations of the two alchemical journeys. The Two of Cups speaks to the tension of the opposites as the watery realm of the feeling functions meet one another to create something new. The Queen of Swords wields her sword to cut away that which doesn't serve her. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article!
Thank you for linking the 2 of Cups and Queen of Swords. I love weaving archetypal systems and there's many ways to explore these alchemical principles via tarot as well! I've previously taught classes on the bridge of tarot and alchemy and hope to do so again in the future. It's a very rich area of study and inner work.
This is such a powerful reflection on the alchemy of relationships, how true connection isn’t about dissolving into the other but about meeting as whole, distinct beings. I love how you captured the necessity of separatio before coniunctio, because without differentiation, there is no true merging, only entanglement.
The paradox is so beautifully put: in merging, two disappear, yet without two, there is no relationship. That delicate balance, the constant cycle of dissolving and re-forming, is where the real magic happens. And just like in alchemy, sometimes what feels like destruction is actually the necessary purification for something more refined to emerge.
This makes me think: how often do we resist the separation phase, mistaking it for loss rather than the preparation for a deeper, more stable union? Thank you for this, it’s an absolute gem!
Yes, your final thought is something I consider often too. Necessary separation takes many forms. Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes intense and explicit. The pain and loss that often comes with claiming and withdrawing projections, of learning to own our material, to notice ourselves as distinct from the other...it is very easy to come to a conclusion that our relationship is not viable in that phase. That might be true but it is often not clear initially.
It is a delicate act. Especially trying to communicate such complex ideas in an accessible manner. My hope is that the message comes through while honoring the material :)
It is a beautiful thinking process. I do believe that two people are like satellites orbiting around their own centers and sometimes meeting through the course of their ellipse and not being the center of each other
Thank you Alyssa, this is a very helpful and timely piece. I have been grappling with these aspects for some time, well 9 months exactly as I was in an intense process deciding if I should get married to my partner (who had proposed). It has been an interesting time of navigating the murky waters and find the shape of forms for differentiation. I could not say yes until I could see myself clearly and until I could see her clearly, both connected and separate. Only then I could begin to imagine marriage. It has been a fascinating journey with so much rich symbolism arising in my dreams, sandplay therapy, and drawings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights and synthesising these concepts so well!
The alchemist's work was often long and arduous. They warned of it going too quickly, which was usually indicative of a rushed, forced along process. Stages were built in to slow things down, reminders that cleansing and renewal happens over and over. So you get the idea of the many iterations, the constant cycles, the rotations...a wheel that turns and turns. I think that is also a fruitful analogy for relational dynamics, how important it is to really slow down and work through things before we arrive at the "marriage". It sounds like you've been doing that for 9 long months, and I imagine thats resulted in some great insight.
I wonder if your dreams and other fantasy images have had an alchemical quality to them? Sometimes that's quite obvious, sometimes not so much. I plan to teach a class at some point on identifying alchemical imagery in our dreams :)
Thanks Alyssa, yes it has taken the time it has and the work continues....one image the fascinated me was a hollow burnt out tree trunk that kept appearing in my drawings, and the open mouths of sharks and dolphins. After a few months of these continued symbols, I eventually found two faces peering out of the opening of the hollow tree trunk, I realised then that the tree trunk had been a container - inside things were burning, disintegrating and composting and eventually a union could be born from that, still held in the bigger container of the tree trunk....in the dreams there were lots of dolphins, snakes and actual wedding ceremonies. Perhaps I can spend some time going back and looking at my drawings and dream journal over the 9 months and see what arc is there. X
Very powerful and accurate. I just read your post and my own relationship, its steps, crisis and resolutions enfolded before my eyes...
I think there are several little deaths, griefs, endings in relationships of all sorts, but especially in love. The difficulty is being able to SEE them, to RECOGNIZE our own projections, and to take a step back.
One of my closest friends, who is 25 years older than me, told me something 15 years ago, something she had learned in therapy and that I'll never forget : "Your partner doesn't belong to you. If they want to go, they will. You don't belong to anyone, they don't either. Make peace with it."
Fascinating article, thank you for your wisdom! The separatio process reminds me of the process of differentiating from one’s family of origin. According to family systems theory, a low level of differentiation (or fusion) with one’s family of origin will cause problems in other relationships (particularly with our romantic partners). It’s important to engage in this deep work of “differentiation of self” in order to sustain healthier relationships.
How does family systems theory suggest one go through the process of differentiation? I'm curious how it contrasts or overlaps with that of Jungian theory.
Family systems differentiation focuses on interpersonal relationships within an individual’s family of origin, and it’s the basis of family therapy. The ultimate goal of differentiation of self is to gain emotional autonomy while still fostering connection within the family.
Self awareness is a huge piece in achieving this… taking a step back and observing our familial patterns and the role that we play in our families of origin. If we are fused with our families, we may feel responsible for their emotions, need their approval to feel secure, or carry multigenerational anxiety. This level of fusion often impacts our other non-familial relationships.
I’m less familiar with Jung’s theory (but learning 😊) but my understanding is that Jung’s individuation process is an intrapersonal focus. I could see these going hand in hand, though!
Yes, individuation is an inner process, but one that also challenges us to consider how we participate in the world. Being able to be grounded within oneself in turn makes us more conscious of relationships, how we show up, interact, etc. But the focus is definitely on building a dialectic between conscious and the unconscious to grow the personality first and foremost.
That makes so much sense! I could definitely see them overlapping then — like perceiving the same problem from different angles. I'm very interested in Jungian theory and excited to keep diving in more with The Artemisian!
Are there any Jungian topics you’re particularly interested in?
I'm very interested in dream work and how to work with one's shadow. I also love the concept of archetypes. I am particularly interested in learning them in a way that feels applicable to the day to day. I'm studying to become a psychotherapist and very interested in using depth psychology in my future practice :)
Thank you for such an in depth insight into the realm of relationship and alchemy! I really see the Two of Cups and The Queen of Swords as symbolic representations of the two alchemical journeys. The Two of Cups speaks to the tension of the opposites as the watery realm of the feeling functions meet one another to create something new. The Queen of Swords wields her sword to cut away that which doesn't serve her. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article!
Thank you for linking the 2 of Cups and Queen of Swords. I love weaving archetypal systems and there's many ways to explore these alchemical principles via tarot as well! I've previously taught classes on the bridge of tarot and alchemy and hope to do so again in the future. It's a very rich area of study and inner work.
Yes absolutely, it's such a fertile ground for exploration 🌾
This is such a powerful reflection on the alchemy of relationships, how true connection isn’t about dissolving into the other but about meeting as whole, distinct beings. I love how you captured the necessity of separatio before coniunctio, because without differentiation, there is no true merging, only entanglement.
The paradox is so beautifully put: in merging, two disappear, yet without two, there is no relationship. That delicate balance, the constant cycle of dissolving and re-forming, is where the real magic happens. And just like in alchemy, sometimes what feels like destruction is actually the necessary purification for something more refined to emerge.
This makes me think: how often do we resist the separation phase, mistaking it for loss rather than the preparation for a deeper, more stable union? Thank you for this, it’s an absolute gem!
Yes, your final thought is something I consider often too. Necessary separation takes many forms. Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes intense and explicit. The pain and loss that often comes with claiming and withdrawing projections, of learning to own our material, to notice ourselves as distinct from the other...it is very easy to come to a conclusion that our relationship is not viable in that phase. That might be true but it is often not clear initially.
Thanks for your kind words and comments, Dea!
Love how gently you hold complexity. Thank you for that. 💛
It is a delicate act. Especially trying to communicate such complex ideas in an accessible manner. My hope is that the message comes through while honoring the material :)
It is a beautiful thinking process. I do believe that two people are like satellites orbiting around their own centers and sometimes meeting through the course of their ellipse and not being the center of each other
Love that image of the individuals as satellites!
Thank you Alyssa, this is a very helpful and timely piece. I have been grappling with these aspects for some time, well 9 months exactly as I was in an intense process deciding if I should get married to my partner (who had proposed). It has been an interesting time of navigating the murky waters and find the shape of forms for differentiation. I could not say yes until I could see myself clearly and until I could see her clearly, both connected and separate. Only then I could begin to imagine marriage. It has been a fascinating journey with so much rich symbolism arising in my dreams, sandplay therapy, and drawings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights and synthesising these concepts so well!
The alchemist's work was often long and arduous. They warned of it going too quickly, which was usually indicative of a rushed, forced along process. Stages were built in to slow things down, reminders that cleansing and renewal happens over and over. So you get the idea of the many iterations, the constant cycles, the rotations...a wheel that turns and turns. I think that is also a fruitful analogy for relational dynamics, how important it is to really slow down and work through things before we arrive at the "marriage". It sounds like you've been doing that for 9 long months, and I imagine thats resulted in some great insight.
I wonder if your dreams and other fantasy images have had an alchemical quality to them? Sometimes that's quite obvious, sometimes not so much. I plan to teach a class at some point on identifying alchemical imagery in our dreams :)
Thanks Alyssa, yes it has taken the time it has and the work continues....one image the fascinated me was a hollow burnt out tree trunk that kept appearing in my drawings, and the open mouths of sharks and dolphins. After a few months of these continued symbols, I eventually found two faces peering out of the opening of the hollow tree trunk, I realised then that the tree trunk had been a container - inside things were burning, disintegrating and composting and eventually a union could be born from that, still held in the bigger container of the tree trunk....in the dreams there were lots of dolphins, snakes and actual wedding ceremonies. Perhaps I can spend some time going back and looking at my drawings and dream journal over the 9 months and see what arc is there. X
What a striking and beautiful way to uncover such a potent vessel. Another important aspect to the alchemical-relational work.
Very powerful and accurate. I just read your post and my own relationship, its steps, crisis and resolutions enfolded before my eyes...
I think there are several little deaths, griefs, endings in relationships of all sorts, but especially in love. The difficulty is being able to SEE them, to RECOGNIZE our own projections, and to take a step back.
One of my closest friends, who is 25 years older than me, told me something 15 years ago, something she had learned in therapy and that I'll never forget : "Your partner doesn't belong to you. If they want to go, they will. You don't belong to anyone, they don't either. Make peace with it."
Thanks, Nelian! Yes, the difficulty level is high to see those dynamics in relationships. But if we can, the growth and development is exponential!